Saturday, August 05, 2006

Courageous Wordsmith

Was tasked at work to author a paper on my own. Particularly challenging because of the political sensitivity involved - in fact as I type this, I'm already selecting my words carefully.

Have spent hours poring over words, typing/deleting/re-typing/editing late into the night. Paralyzingly fastidious becomes me, to the point that between 2 drafts & 3 hours apart, the content hadn't changed much. Boss was frank in pointing that out - I weakly defended that I had written much but deleted much too.

His next words were pithier still: You are too fearful.

It hit me hard - the procrastination, agonizing over words, mental block. Emotions welled up within as I nodded to advice on how to proceed next. Thankful I am though, for an encouraging and patient boss.

One of the last to leave the office, I sat at my desk. It was either despair or deliver. I chose the latter. Turning to God in prayer, I asked for faith, courage and wisdom to complete the paper. There was a strange shiver - was it His presence I felt? But heartened I definitely was.

11pm - heading home in a cab, blank and exhausted. Didn't utter a word when family spoke to me.

Am I fatally self-reflective without the capacity to cope? Is there a blanket of fear and worry that grips the core of my being? At least now I know my body can do with less sleep and more caffeine.

What is God's will for our lives? If victory is a choice, have I taken that pivotal step?

God help me, victorious living, here I come.

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