Listen to BBC Comedy here:
"I walk down Boat Quay and I've never had so many people trying to entice me to have seafood in my entire life!" *cue restaurant touters*
"The government's paid millions of pounds... a campaign to encourage people to smile at tourists... If everyone's smiling at you, it's not necessarily because you're a nice or a good person."
"I go to the Little India market where 'We do gold plating' and I thought about getting me hair done... So it'd stand up and I'd look weird like a James Bond villian or Michael Bolton."